Thursday, 26 May 2011
my life diary: How I feel now your not here
my life diary: How I feel now your not here: "That night you passed away I think i was feeling numb it was if I was in a dream and I would wake up and you would be here with me and our s..."
How I feel now your not here
That night you passed away I think i was feeling numb it was if I was in a dream and I would wake up and you would be here with me and our son the next day went in a blur our friend got me to bring all paper work down to change the details as every thing was in your name which I was happy about we did every thing together me and you our friend phoned all companies and the name was changed that same day I picked up your paper work from doctors to which I had to take to registry office to list your death that was very hard especialy as a wedding was taking place the day after you passed on the Monday our friends me and our son went to funeral directors we had to decide on what we wanted to the sort of coffin the flowers and we decided DaD flowers were better than husband we had a big display on your coffin I felt nothing it was if it was somebody else I came home and it was just me and your son alone at home I kept crying and staring at the couch that you sat on had a bad nights sleep the next morning Tuesday I was feeling very angry with everone and myself why did I not notice your simptoms earlier had I missed them did our oncoligist know you were dying did anyone know this would of been our last christmas and new year together one thing that stands out when you decided you wanted to change the car for a newer one you kept on pushing this was after christmas and then you were on internet looking at cars we visited a few places then in January we found the one we like it was a vauxal vectra simular to our mondeo we paid for car then picked it up 2 days later we wanted to put our private number plate on new car we went to dvla I said you can be the owner of the new car but you would not have you insisted it was in my name now when I look back I think you knew something was wrong we sat in bed talking as you spent most time in bed while you were on chemo I remember crying and saying to you whats happening the first thing you said was something about funerals I sad not that subject you told the nurse who came out to flush your hickmen line you thought your tumour in your colon was back as there was a lump she said it could be scar tissue but you knew in Feb you had appointment for another ct scan as the last time you were in hospital your blood and liver results had changed alot I did not understand and thought everything will be ok but they had stopped your chemo after the 3rd session as you were in and out of hospital every time you had chemo by the time we went for your scan you could not walk far i got you a wheelchair what was strange was i did not notice your skin changing colour well i did but tried not to you were looking sicker and sicker it was like i had switched the reality part of my brain off I was scared
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Its been just under 15 months since husband passed away.
Can not belive its been this long since you died yet it only feels like yesterday I miss you so much my heart is aching so much its been very hard trying to carry on but I have our son who needs me and I owe to him to be around he now has his lovelly girlfriend I feel so lonelly the house feels quiet would love to buy this house as its were you took your last breath that Sunday night you never know I might win the lottery this house would be the first thing I buy so you will be with me all the time I still keep your ashes in the front room you would never know as the casket looks like a jewlery box and is the same colour as the unit you are proud of place on the top with your phone ear piece you used to moan that it needed charging all the time but you were on the phone alot you always had time for every body
Saturday, 21 May 2011
To my husband
Can not belive you have gone I am glad we had you home if only for a few days mc millian nurses arranged every thing for you a special bed carers it was hard when you were in hospital for those few days I also had to do your will you just about able to sighn will at the solicitor talked to you alone but once your key drive medication was fitted you spent most time asleep I know it might seem strange but I never thought you would die maybe tyhat was part of brain was switched off I just wanted to be with you all the time as your bed was in the living room you did tell me you love me and kissed me at night when I went to bed when night carer came in from 10pm till 8pm but the night you died the carer told me that morning you had a bad night just like you were that day you were rushed into hospital I held your hand that morning but you looked straight through me I called doctor out he gave you a big dose of morphine and a anxiety drug within 10 minutes you were snoring your head of our friends phoned later that day I told them doctor came out they came straight round they knew you near the end I did not your breathing changed at around 8 while watching dancing on ice you kept skipping a breath that was hard to watch we called our son down stairs at 9.20pm and you took your last breath at 9.28pm then you were gone could not belive what was happening am in trears writing to you our friends called funeral people they came not long after doctor confirmed you were dead before your funeral our son wanted to visit you at chapel of rest I was not sure I had lovelly picture memories of you but its what our son wanted the strange thing is I forgot you would cold you did not look like you I slipped a picture of us in your blazer pocket and the guy cut a piece of your hair for me to keep I keep it in a locket which also has your wedding ring your casket sits pride of place in the living room and I talk to you all the time I say morning when I come down and say night when I go to bed I hope one day I might win lottery so I can buy our rented house as I feel its part of you as you died here in our home that night I know it will not happen but its good to have dreams thats all I have I try to enter tv competion as they are free to enter I miss you so much until next time.
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