my life diary: How I feel now your not here

my life diary: How I feel now your not here

my life diary: How I feel now your not here

my life diary: How I feel now your not here: "That night you passed away I think i was feeling numb it was if I was in a dream and I would wake up and you would be here with me and our s..."

How I feel now your not here

That night you passed away I think i was feeling numb it was if I was in a dream and I would wake up and you would be here with me and our son the next day went in a blur our friend got me to bring all paper work down to change the details as every thing was in your name which I was happy about we did every thing together me and you our friend phoned all companies and the name was changed that same day I picked up your paper work from doctors to which I had to take to registry office to list your death that was very hard especialy as a wedding was taking place the day after you passed on the Monday our friends me and our son went to funeral directors we had to decide on what we wanted to the sort of coffin the flowers and we decided DaD flowers were better than husband we had a big display on your coffin I felt nothing it was if it was somebody else I came home and it was just me and your son alone at home I kept crying and staring at the couch that you sat on had a bad nights sleep the next morning Tuesday I was feeling very angry with everone and myself why did I not notice your simptoms earlier had I missed them did our oncoligist know you were dying did anyone know this would of been our last christmas and new year together one thing that stands out when you decided you wanted to change the car for a newer one you kept on pushing this was after christmas and then you were on internet looking at cars we visited a few places then in January we found the one we like it was a vauxal vectra simular to our mondeo we paid for car then picked it up 2 days later we wanted to put our private number plate on new car we went to dvla I said you can be the owner of the new car but you would not have you insisted it was in my name now when I look back I think you knew something was wrong we sat in bed talking as you spent most time in bed while you were on chemo I remember crying and saying to you whats happening the first thing you said was something about funerals I sad not that subject you told the nurse who came out to flush your hickmen line you thought your tumour in your colon was back as there was a lump she said it could be scar tissue but you knew in Feb you had appointment for another ct scan as the last time you were in hospital your blood and liver results had changed alot I did not understand and thought everything will be ok but they had stopped your chemo after the 3rd session as you were in and out of hospital every time you had chemo by the time we went for your scan you could not walk far i got you a wheelchair what was strange was i did not notice your skin changing colour well i did but tried not to you were looking sicker and sicker it was like i had switched the reality part of my brain off I was scared

Its been just under 15 months since husband passed away.

Can not belive its been this long since you died yet it only feels like yesterday I miss you so much my heart is aching so much its been very hard trying to carry on but I have our son who needs me and I owe to him to be around he now has his lovelly girlfriend I feel so lonelly the house feels quiet would love to buy this house as its were you took your last breath that Sunday night you never know I might win the lottery this house would be the first thing I buy so you will be with me all the time I still keep your ashes in the front room you would never know as the casket looks like a jewlery box and is the same colour as the unit you are proud of place on the top with your phone ear piece you used to moan that it needed charging all the time but you were on the phone alot you always had time for every body

my life diary: To my husband

my life diary: To my husband

To my husband

Can not belive you have gone I am glad we had you home if only for a few days mc millian nurses arranged every thing for you a special bed carers it was hard when you were in hospital for those few days I also had to do your will you just about able to sighn will at the solicitor talked to you alone but once your key drive medication was fitted you spent most time asleep I know it might seem strange but I never thought you would die maybe tyhat was part of brain was switched off I just wanted to be with you all the time as your bed was in the living room you did tell me you love me and kissed me at night when I went to bed when night carer came in from 10pm till 8pm but the night you died the carer told me that morning you had a bad night just like you were that day you were rushed into hospital I held your hand that morning but you looked straight through me I called doctor out he gave you a big dose of morphine and a anxiety drug within 10 minutes you were snoring your head of our friends phoned later that day I told them doctor came out they came straight round they knew you near the end I did not your breathing changed at around 8 while watching dancing on ice you kept skipping a breath that was hard to watch we called our son down stairs at 9.20pm and you took your last breath at 9.28pm then you were gone could not belive what was happening am in trears writing to you our friends called funeral people they came not long after doctor confirmed you were dead before your funeral our son wanted to visit you at chapel of rest I was not sure I had lovelly picture memories of you but its what our son wanted the strange thing is I forgot you would cold you did not look like you I slipped a picture of us in your blazer pocket and the guy cut a piece of your hair for me to keep I keep it in a locket which also has your wedding ring your casket sits pride of place in the living room and I talk to you all the time I say morning when I come down and say night when I go to bed I hope one day I might win lottery so I can buy our rented house as I feel its part of you as you died here in our home that night  I know it will not happen but its good to have dreams thats all I  have I try to enter tv competion as they are free to enter  I miss you so much until next time.

Looking back on my life after losing husband to cancer

my life diary: losing husband to cancer

losing husband to cancer

I thought we would be together for ever but all the changed when you had Colon Cancer in late  2009 you had a operation to remove the cancer then followed by chemo every other week which made you very ill you were always in hospital after your chemo session then in then 2 months later year you were very poorly your liver blood results were not good and were given an ultra scan but the doctors could not see a lot so you had a ct scan end of of that month we were due to go hospital in the February for the results but you were rushed in on a few days before in February were the local registrar told me you had cancer of the liver and the lining of the stomach and that you were dying you asked me what he said and I told you that was hard later the doctor told me to get our son to the hospital as they thought you were going to dye that night of a heartache the look on our sons face was horrible he could not stop crying when he saw you we stayed till late with our close friends we left late that night and came back in the morning to speak to your oncologist she could not believe the results of the ct scan.
I was also told by the MC millians nurses that did you have a will we did not a friend phoned solicitors not far from hospital to come and see you to make the will you could not talk well as you were on a lot of medication but you were able to sign the will can not believe this was happening to you our son and I visited you all hours as you slept a lot you even had some trifle I brought in at 2.00 in the morning.By Tuesday I decided I wanted you at home the mc millians arranged every thing for us and you came home Wednesday of February  at 4pm you were so happy to be home we had a hospital bed in the living room carers coming in and out all day they were great and you also had a night carer in at 10pm till 8.am so I could get some rest and to make sure someone was with you all the time I was so happy to have you home but by Sunday morning in February things changed the night carer said you had a bad night I called doctor out as you were waving your arms every were and you would not respond to me when doctor came he knew you were in real pain and as well as your key drive medication he gave you a big dose of morphine and a relaxer after that you stayed asleep all day close friends came later that day but by 8.pm your breathing changed and by 9.28pm you took your last breath with my son and me and two close friends by your side you died at 9.30 pm that night I had lost you for ever as my husband father best friend and soul mate my heart was broken and could never be fixed.

All names haved been changed for privacy.

11 th chapter being a mother and wife.

10 th chapter having my baby son.

5 th chapter Bumping into my old school friend Rachel

I had bumped into Rachel in P my boyfriend and I were on our way to drop of the camper van which we had hired for around 3 months I gave her my Mobil number and told her to give me a call I told her what I did for work she seemed excited I said the moneys good while in my local town I popped round to see my mum and dad and then went out to a restaurant it was during our meal that Rachel called I said we are only here for the night as we were moving into a service flat in bury it had everything bedding kitchen items tv it was expensive about £500 a month and the owners would come in and change the beds i think that was so they could check on the place we were very good tenants I liked every thing clean and tidy we arranged to meet Rachel the next day My boyfriend was very excited when my Tom spoke to me later that evening he said we can make money out of both of you was not sure what he meant but I was so in love what ever Tom wanted I would do it the next day we had arranged to pick Rachel up she did not have a lot with her she had fallen out with her boyfriend she did not get on with her mum and she had no where to go I sat in the back of Tom's car and we talked about what we had been doing since leaving school we were both 17 when we got to the flat in bury Tom pulled me aside to say if she was going to work with us he had to know that she she was going to be good at it he was going to pretend to be her first client inside I was so angry and raging with jealousy how dare she prepare to have sex with my boyfriend I showed her to the spare bedroom was still feeling quite angry but did not let it show plus Tom knew what he was doing and he would be right he had been in the buisness long enough after she put things into her room Tom was winding her up in the room saying how would it feel to be earning money just by keeping guys happy and told Rachel he had taught me well being with Tom i was so clouded by everything he was my hero he had saved me and brought me up to be a woman later that day Rachel and Tom went into mine and Toms bedroom I stayed in living room I could not cope watching my boyfriend enjoying himself with someone else it did not seem to last long they were both giggling and Tom came in living room with a smile on his face she is good I just pretended to be happy Rachel came out and she said that was easy bring it on she said i just pretended to smile I did not want her getting to comfy with my boyfriend a few days later me and Rachel had a booking together Tom dropped us of to get my own back I made sure she was the one to have sex with client this work arrangement did not last for long Rachel became moody I began to wonder if she liked my Tom but my Tom started to get bored of Rachel he had had sex with her she had given him so many blow jobs I think the novelty had started to ware off one night we went to one of our favorite steak places in Cambs Rachel seemed agitated there was a group of lads and Rachel was flirting then out of the blue she said she was going to go home with these lads she was wearing my dress I shouted at her to take it off un grateful cow Tom said leave it she has had her time we left before Rachel did and went home but for a few days me and Tom started arguing all the time i told him to fuck off I do not need you he left I went to have shower thinking he will be back but later that night he did not come back i was in tears all the time but before Tom left he had put an ad in sports paper for in-call in bury I kept myself busy I will show him that I can make a lot of money and that he would come back to me as I had been a good girl and kept myself busy with clients I wanted to make Tom proud of me the truth was I could not live without him I needed him about 5 days later he called me on Mobil I started crying I told him I had worked so hard and told him how much I had earned and told him I was sorry for pushing him away and was sorry for bringing up the past as sometimes i found it hard to understand why he would want me no one else did he was the only person to show me affection in my eyes I owed Tom every thing he taught me so much and I was feeling so safe when he was with me how could I be so nasty to Tom who had looked after me helped me and he loved me from that day I never went against Toms words I knew he was right he asked me if I missed him I said I love you cause I missed you and told him I needed him he got back later that evening as soon as he got in the flat I showed him all the money I had made I felt so proud of what I had done and knew Tom would be proud of me and he was he said he had gone to his old house were Tracy lived his wife he said he wanted to pick all his stuff up and to start divorce proceedings I was so happy he had done that for me he was prepared to divorce I knew Tom loved me it seems during this time Rachel was still with those lads and was then going to tell police Tom had raped and battered her.

8 th chapter first time being raided by police.

sure what day it was but it was in I think late in 1991  there was a knock at our front door when i opened it there were at lot of police they had a warrant to search house this was to do with running an escort agency my husband was taken to bury police station i stayed at house while police went searching for evidence of prostitution they found a spiel on me telling guys what i offer and that i offered fantasy outfits and charged for sex the piece of paper said it all and also found a pad with girls numbers on and addresses of were they lived at the days they were available to work i was then was taken to bury station on the understanding i was helping with there inquiries they then wanted to interview me i remember Tom telling me to ask for a solicitor so i asked for one was told i could be waiting for around 6 to 8 hours and that i would be out quicker if i just gave a statement stupid me i did they were trying to do my husband for running an escort agency and living of immoral earnings and that my school friend Rachel had accused my husband of rape and assault this was not to be true as for the other charges i took the blame myself and said i run the agency and took money from girls i was then arrested for procuring and immoral earnings when i was realized my husband was too i told him what i had done he went mad as i should of said nothing but i was young and wanted to protect my husband from these charges made  later we found out the day the hospital had logged that a Rachel had come in and had been attacked with bruises and had been raped  when I first heard of this I thought about the time we had a row and he had gone away for a few days then I thought Tom would never do that why would he have scraps when he had fillet steak at home our solicitor had noticed those dates that were logged were also the same dates we were in Majorca abroad for 10 days my first ever holiday abroad i was only 17 so i needed permission to go away as i needed a carers signature this was the time you could get a passport for a year instead of 10 years in the end i signed it myself pretending that my mum had given me consent so i forged her signature which was easy for me to do i had asked my social worker about going on holiday they said no but i went anyway when i got back i had a visit from social worker he commented on my tan i told him it was a fake tan he seemed not to care or be bothered to check were i had been they were not bothered what i was up to as long as i was available for them to visit me they came over twice in two years they came in asked how i was and to see if i was still with a boyfriend who they said was a reasonable adult    i knew my husband did not do it it was during the time me and Tom had had a bad row and he walked out on me for 6 days when he came back he said he had won money on a card game and that money would pay for our holiday to Majorca the court case took around a year or so to come to court in that time we had moved to my home town of peterborough and i started offering in-call massage and sex we were arrested after a few months this time i remembered to have a solicitor and to say no comment i was not going to be charged this time my husband was going to be charged with immoral earnings again we went to court but because we had the other court case still ongoing i was realized but still on bail for the other court case my husband was also realized without charge as there was no evidence against him the funny thing was they had followed us for months they even followed us to Brighton on a holiday we had put money into a save and the police knew we had put money in save we only found this out when we were arrested for the second time all that time and money the police wasted following us and then to be realized with no charge i think the reason being as we were on bail already for a bigger case well it was for bury but now we had a court date for our case in Ipswich crown court we had a choice at the first hearing to plead guilty and deal with the case there and then but we pleaded not guilty we had to stay in Ipswich in a hotel as we were now being told by judge we were both going to get a custodial sentence i did not once believe that would happen to me during this time i was 3 and a half months pregnant i fell pregnant while on holiday in Crete Greece i we went abroad a lot as it was so cheep and i was doing well as working as prostitute at the time its the only job i have ever had and its the only thing i know to make money all i have ever known was to sell sex that was so easy to do i enjoyed my job meeting guys knowing they could not wait to have sex with you it made me feel good i could have guys exactly were i wanted them my body was my lively hood i was sentenced to 3 moths in Holloway and my husband to 18 months in Norwich we only did half our sentencing in prison i hated it.

1st chapter Removed from home without brothers and sister.

 When I got home mum was very quiet a little while later a family friend who worked as a councilor came round and asked me if i was telling the truth I why i did not come to her first and the police would not have to been involved they tried to get me to say that i was allowing boys to touch me and that and was not my dad then i could have my dad home and be a family again i felt intimidated by family friend Mrs nosey parker  I said nothing and went to bed early i went to school as normal with my brother but was called out of class and taken to head masters room were i was told that there was going to court case and my dad was arrested and not given bail my mum went to court but was told my dad was being remanded in custody until court case my mum had said she did not want me home and was being dealt with by social services i was then told i would be boarding at school until the court case and would be put into care and end of school i was given 2 black bin liners of my things that my mum had done and was shown the boarders area at school it was a Friday and most boarders went home at weekends and i would be the only one there one of the care staff at school who looked after the boarders took me ice skating on Saturday to make me feel better i have never felt so alone and feeling it was my fault at what had happened my brothers and sister would not talk to me i had no one i thought maybe i could say i made the whole thing up but deep down i was doing the right thing by Monday the boarders were back and the other girl that boarded during the week was Clair i shouted at her from the window as said i am a new boarder and she ran up the stairs so fast and we hugged each other i told her i had told about my dad touching me then came down stairs to start school at saw my best friend Rachel I told her I was boarding at school. In the evenings at school I hung around with clair and a few boys Clair and i had run away from school because we had gone to the shops without asking we only got as far as west wood we thought we had been walking for miles we were near a pub we used the toilets and the staff asked us were we were from we said a special  school called ? while we were sitting outside one of the teachers picked us up now we knew we would be punished we were told to put our pj's and slippers on and banned from wearing our normal clothes Clair got stopped from going home that weekend she was so upset so the next morning we ran away again in our pj's and slippers we did not get far this time a police car had stopped us not far from school we said we ran away cause Clair was banned for going to her parents home within a few days social workers came to see me at school to tell me they had found me a children s home to live to start with i would go a few stay one night a week until i got used to it after then i did not board again i was in st pauls children s home it was a nice place they looked after me payed me attention then another girl came to stay and when i saw her i knew her as Toni she had found her dad hanging at home and her mum could not look after her as she was a handful she had another sister who lived at home we got most of the time the biggest problem was we shared the same social worker called Soal and we would see who would have the longest time with our social worker and that had caused a lot of problems i think he was very new to the job  and we  were given separate social workers Toni would also go home sometimes something i could not do not long after being in children s home the court case had been set in Northampton for my dad as he had changed his mind and was pleading not guilty my best friend Rachel was going to have to go to court as well as me as i had told her about my dad before i spoke to school i was terrified of giving evidence in court with everyone watching me but at the last minute my dad pleaded guilty so neither Rachel or me would have to go into the court not sure how long he got but a few months later my mum was asked if she would have dad home if yes then myself and my younger brother and sister would need to go into care and my other brother who was a young younger could stay at home my mum chose my dad i think she needed my dad she could not function without him

7 th chapter getting married.

 When Tom's divorce came through in may i asked him to marry me and we arranged to get married at registry office a few days later i had not long turned 18 the year before in October and i got a check from social services and went on to carry on with my life like i did while i was under there care. we set the date for 2nd of may it was a lunch time we got married i told my parents 2 days before they came down on train to be there for wedding i got married in a black top and matching skirt you could also see my stocking tops my mum pointed this out so i just pulled skirt down a bit i felt on top of the world the man i had gone to hell and back for was my husband i think it only cost £7.50 to get married we had dinner in a pub to celebrate nothing flashy our witness was a working girl and a waiter from a restaurant we went to a lot while living in bury we did not plan a honey moon but we did go to Corfu in Greece for holiday as we got a late booking apartment on arrival 3 days after getting married

3 rd chapter leaving school and pregnant.

With a few days to go before leaving school the school had arranged for me to work at the glamour studio as a receptionist they had done all the checks when they went to visit Tom  and Tracy and daughter lisa and my social worker was informed of this what no one knew was that Tom and Tracy were on bail waiting to be sentenced to court Tom for immoral earnings and Tracy for controlling brothels maybe if the school and social workers had done there job properly and also with my circumstances of being an abused child they were putting me in danger buy me working at the studio as the phone number for studio was one of there brothel numbers that was advertised in the sport news paper nobody had done there job properly as this was to be the start of my prostitution life i did not fancy Tom at this time i was just so excited to be offered a job as receptionist and a model this was my dream job freedom i cannot complain now as you will read later i went on to marry the man from the studio and have a son but my life was not going to be easy they were loads of problems on the way i was also to miss the school trip to Alton towers the day before leaving school but i was booked in the hospital to have my abortion no body at school knew i was pregnant apart from teachers after thee abortion i went to live at my parents house for a while as i had no were else to go social services had left me to my own devices  never really checked on me i think i was at home a few weeks when Tom's wife was taken to Stamford hospital for a back problem this is when i would sneak out of the house in middle of the night and meet up with Tom my parents phoned the police when they checked on me in the morning buy the time Tom  dropped me of at the top of the road i saw police car dad was angry i told parents and the police that i was taking a walk for some fresh air as my parents did not know i had gone out in the middle of the night the next evening dad stayed awake for most of the night in case i sneaked of which i was going to he fell asleep and i had phoned Tom to pick me up and i stayed the night but was back early before mum and dad had realized i had gone i was now feeling on top of the world i was in love never felt anything like this before were your stomach does summer salts and feeling butterfly's then the wife comes home from hospital she should of stayed there a social worker never visited me at my home the time i saw a social worker was when i moved to bury and i had informed Peterborough services i had moved i saw them twice since leaving school the last time was to give me a check which every kid gets when you leave social services it makes me laugh really cause they did not even check on me not even when Tom and Tracy went to prison they did not care that i was with Tom and that i was working as a prostitute i look back and think i was the child no one cared about maybe i was to damaged it would of been nice to think they would try to stop me being with Tom I would not of listened but that was not the point i felt Tom was the only person in the world that really cared about me and took care of me

9th chapter life in prison and afterwards.

 I got out of Holloway i was around 6 months pregnant I was picked up from prison gates by my husbands friends he had known them for years when I got home the house felt so quiet could not believe I was back home and Tom was still in Norwich prison I went to visit him the next day it felt so strange not seeing for six weeks we hugged and kissed each other he told me he had a job at the church cleaning leaves and bits and pieces on a Saturday but he was also waiting for conformation of a kitchen job at a charity kitchen which happens to be in Norwich red light district and that would mean he would be out every day cooking dinners he would be leaving prison in the morning with another guy to buy food from market to use for charity as the other guy who did job was leaving prison he was also a chef for prison food he got it so cushy we did not have long for the visit but Ii did manage to make my husband cum as he was so horny with my hands under the table after that prison visit I visited him daily at the charity kitchen I got on with the other prison guy too I stopped in Norwich for a few days at a time then went home time went fast I  was due to give birth in December but my baby had other ideas my waters broke at midnight in late November my neighbors who I got on with took me to my mums to pick her up to come to the hospital before i went I phoned the prison to let my husband know when he woke in the morning that I had gone into labour I have never felt so scared i wondered when does the pain start

the range of clients i saw for around 15 years.

I saw a full range of clients early on in my work i saw guys very different when i was younger at least at the beginning i saw it as exciting and having guys take notice of me only if it was while they had me in there company all the guys that saw me at the studio my first experience knew my age as my portfolio gave my age and vital statistics so they knew i was under age  i think that's what they like having sex with a minor most of the guys i saw at studio would sometimes bring a camera for pictures of they could hire one and buy film from studio not sure what they did with the pictures never ever crossed my mind i thought i was so lucky to have guys wanting to touch me kiss me and sometimes a little cuddle now when i think about it i was nothing to them but a sex toy they could use and abuse i feel i was not grown up enough to understand what i was doing apart from feeling wanted and needed by these guys later on i will write a whole chapters on a range of clients ranging from police man wanting to know how good he was at pleasing a woman as he fancied a police woman he worked with he made me laugh he told me he was a fire man but when we went to bedroom his police uniform was hanging on the bedroom door i nearly crapped myself when i saw the uniform i thought that's it i am in trouble but he had paid me to have sex he was not innocent  in fact he should of known better but i was nervous all the way through the hour appointment he had booked well like all of the guys i saw always take payment up front and i carried a brief case which had condoms they have to wear them lotion wipes and nappy sacks to put used condoms in it had a number lock on it would take stuff out put money in then lock it till i leave by then i would put the lotion and wipes back and the nappy sack with used condom in which i would then bin later do not want to carry that dirty thing around with me

i dedicate my blog to my late husband

 while writing my blog still have lots to do on it all my life no one really cared for me like my Tom he taught about life i know things were not good to begin with but he saved me i owe him every thing we never had a lot of money but he was my soul mate best friend and husband in one from the first day i met him there was something about him i liked he was so warming to me when his wife and daughter did not want the hassle of having a girl in care that came with so much baggage we were together 23 years and married for 19 years last may 2010 and we have a lovely son who looks and acts like his dad when you died part of me died that night in  Feb 2010 my heart will always remain broken and that's the way i want it you were my first and only love now you have gone you will always be in my heart and thoughts every single day most days go in a blur i know if you could see me now you would be saying you need to eat more and get out more but i have no interest in food i eat 6 weetabix around six a clock and not much else never feel hungry but eats a little cause the body needs it and I have a son to take care of why oh why did it have to be you that died and not someone else but it was you i try to think that we had so many years together and most of those were wild

The start of my abuse with men with dirty hands

Born in 1972 I have 1 sister and 2 brothers I am the eldest we were born in Peterborough area   which is were we lived for 8 half years.We lived in the same road as my granddad and 2 aunties and uncles we were the poorest of the families and we got used to hand me downs they were nice clothes had a crush on my cousin named Jack he was mixed race one of my aunties married a black man we even tried to have sex together when we  were 8 but never got very far I also learn t at that age how to pleasure myself my dad always liked to have a drink he lost his first job as a bin man then his second job at a factory due to depression did not know that at the time One day when I had to pop over to my granddads house as mum wanted to borrow some butter I went in and spoke to granddad when he saw me he got his willy out and said if i popped back would i like to play with it I ran out of there in a shock then mum said I would have to return it I was so scared as i knew what might happen i ran straight in and out so fast with my heart pounding i put butter back without granddad getting me what i did not realize this was just the start of me being abuse not long after my grandad died i was not sad and i did not tell my parents about that day with the butter not long after my uncle died in a accident at work everyone was sad.my family moved to another area of peterborough for a couple of years which was a council house the school was better there as I was popular and no one knew me my last school I was picked on a lot for not wearing the right clothes and my cousin made out we were not related he was embarrassed of our family it was his dad that died in a work accident.when i was ten dad decided i should know about the facts of life by showing me dirty magazines i was so embarrassed but trusted my dad mum never said anything one evening when i was 10 i got groped by a group of lads it was horrible they were older than i was but it was my fault because one evening while getting dressed for bed i saw some lads on top of the car park over looking my bedroom window and deliberately left my curtains open so they could see me while it was dark outside i put the bedroom light on so they could see me but made out i did not know they were there it made me feel good.one day while going to town on my own i went into a second hand shop and saw some lovely red shoes i really wanted them but could not afford them there was a dirty old man there i think he worked there he knew i liked the shoes he said if i allow him to touch me through my knickers i could have the shoes for free i thought that's easy i said yes he did touch and rub me and he gave me the shoes i was so happy to have these shoes now they were mine to keep i went home smiling and hid the shoes away so no one knew i had them it was like a secret then when i turned 10 and a half we moved to a house in fletton not far from woodston and that's when my dad started molesting me waiting till late at night then come in my room were my sister also slept and start touching me i pretended to be asleep then pretend to start sturing and he would pretend he was looking out the window this became a regular thing by the time i had started secondary school it was happening most nights i got expelled from my school for being disrupted in class tearing friends books in class and throwing chairs around and swearing eventually i was being put into a special school for disruptive children my brother went there too we used to fight like cat and dog all the time i enjoyed that school i was the prettiest girl there and was always winning my sport day events like swimming and running but some teachers were very cruel to us students one teacher Mr Mack would line us up in the court yard and crow peck us on the head its was painful as we had all misbehaved in class he was also my maths teacher we also had a husband and wife teacher Mrs Jackson i had her for biology lessons if you misbehaved in her class she would be on the phone to Mr Jackson so when i was in his lesson next i would get a slap on the leg us pupils were so used to this it became normal one time i tipped my table in Mr  Jackson class and i was pinned down by Mr Jackson until i had calmed down nobody knew why i was so disruptive in school until one day at ice skating a treat for us pupils for being good i told my two friends Rachel and Clair that i was being touched by my dad at home at night time and that he would buy me gifts for not telling anyone but i had had enough i could not carry on they told me to say something to my teachers but i was scared what about my brothers and sister and my mum even though she once asked me if my dad had touched me i said no it was about two days later that i decided to tell someone about my dad i was in Mr Jackson class and we had a helper in class to her name was Mrs Smith i started crying in class and she took me out of class to a private room to ask me what was wrong i told her my dad came into my bedroom at night and touched me and lift my night dress up and once he tried to put his willy inside me but i think i tensed up so he put his finger in there instead she explained this was a serious matter and to tell the truth she then told me to stay in the room while she spoke to our head master Mr Lays and also Mr Mack i was then taken to the headmasters room were Mrs Smith Mr Mack and Mr Lays as was asked was it true that i was being touched by my dad i said yes they said you do realize the police have to be brought in i nodded yes i was in tears i was so scared of what my mum would say the police came and took my statement i was not aloud to leave school until the police had spoken to my mum and dad when a police man come back i was taken to police station were i was examined by a lady police doctor and she told police i had been sexually assaulted down below i was then told by a police man that my dad had admitted sexually assaulting me and he was going to be in court the next day i was then taken home later that day.

2 nd chapter starting modeling and first taste of prostitution.

I was 15 and a half yrs old and had rang my mum and dad on my  and arranged to see them they lived in dogsthorpe peterborough thats were i met a man called Mark he was 5 years older than me i liked him the first meeting with mum and dad i cuddled them both i did not tell the childrens home that i was visiting them i only stayed a little while then i started going every day after school then started going out with Mark then one day we had sex i was a virgin and when we had sex i bled a little in total we only had sex twice but a few weeks later i started to feel un well but thought nothing of it then the next thing i knew i had missed a period and was feeling very sick in the morning i think i knew i was pregnant i told my mum and dad and Mark my parents told me not to say anything as i was due to leave childrens home and come back home other wise the social services would stop me going home so soon i was feeling worse and was being sick alot at the childrens home one day as i was waiting to have dinner i rushed to the toilet to be sick as the smell of dinner had made me sick one of the carers at the childrens home saw me rush out and pulled me aside to ask if i was pregnant i said i did not know as i had not took a pregnacy test i was summond into the office and given a pregnacy kit i was told to go toilet and wee into pot and to bring it back to them they tested it and we had to wait 15 minutes and then went into living room and i was called in there and was told the test had come back positive and that i was pregnant they asked what i wanted to do and i said i want to keep the baby they tried to talk me out of it but i was haveing none of it they told teachers at my school and they told me i would be chucking my life away and i would amount to nothing and be living off social about 2 months into my pregnacy i decided i did not want a baby so young and it was arranged for me to be booked in to have a abortion when my then ex boyfriend found out what i was planning he started threating to slash my face and then his family came to childrens home were i was trying to change my mind telling me that a family member had died while having an abortion and that i was being selfish and cruel i did wonder if i was doing the right thing having a abortion the school were happy that i was during school holidays i saw an advert for models wanted for new glamour studio thats what i wanted to be was a model  was a young and nieve 15 yrd i phoned the number in the local paper to make appointment to visit them and have some pictures taken a man came to pick me up as i had know way of geeting to there house for some pictures his name was Tom and he had brought the studio for his daughter who was into photography he nt long met his daughter Lisa as she knocked on his door one day and said i am your daughter it ended up to be true so he showered her with gifts to try and make up for it and thats when he got her the studio calling it Lisa's glamour studio i met Lisa when i got to there house there were other girls there too i was intrudused to Lisa and Toms wife Tracy later on i would end up marring Tom Lisa's dad talk more of that later on i was showed upstairs in one of the bedrooms were there some sexy underwear to put on i put bra and knickers on but had a bit of trouble with what to do with a suspender belt i weventualy workrd it out and put silk dressing gown on and come down stairs were Tom would take some photos of me he was very nice i did not tell them i was in a childrens home i made i lived with my parents when the other girls had gone and it was just Tom and me his wife and daughter were in living room he told me to take knickers of i was worried as i did not want to show what the ladies do in my dads dirty magazines he reasurred me it would not be and i did take knickers of and soon finished photo's and then he took me to my mum and dads home and said he would call me i then went home to childrens home i got a call a couple of weeks later when they had opened the studio and i was taken on as a model there were lots of pictures of all the girls on the studio wall and i was on there too only the pics were i had underwear on soon i was getting bookings at the studio by guys wanting to take pictures of me then i was being asked would i allow them to touch me and i would get more money i allowed the guys to touch my boobs and my private parts nobody else could see only me and the guy taking pictures as there were curtains dividing the office and the studio eventualy i told kim i was in a childrens home and was ok about it i told the childrens home i was helping answer the phones as i knew they would stop me i started making quite abit of money well for me it was alot
as i only had to have my picture taken and aloud most of the clients to touch me i felt so grown up and adult like Tom pulled me aside one day as one of the guys had mentioned that i was up for anything i was scared thought he would fire me but he said if thats what i wanted it was ok one day when it was just the two of us he asked if i wanted to do more pictures but we could do some for the adult magazines and pretend i was 18 not 16 i said yes so he locked the studio and got his camera set up i talk all my clothes off i think i fancied Tom he was so nice to me we started taking pictures and he told me to open my legs and part my pussy lips apart i was imbarrassed by what he said he knew i was pregnant and that i was booked in to have an abortion in the end he came over to me and said shall i show you what to do i said yes he procedded to touch me down there and said like this he then went back to camera and did what he showed me then he came and sat next to me and touched my pussy to part my pussy lips more by then he was excited and he went to kiss me i kissed him back he said your pregnant any way so we then had sex it was nice not like with Mark I was put of sex by Mark as i did not enjoy it and thought is this it this is what it feels like but with kim it was differant I wanted him so much i think he knew i liked him we had sex a few times after that

6 th chapter turning 18

I celerbrated my 18th birthday at a naturist place in kent called ? it was naturist during the week with people wearing nothing i was very shocked to start with as it was mainly fellers and seeing there willies on show all the time  but on a saturday night it was more of a swingers party it was adults only i was only 17 but that did not matter most saturdays we stayed we would have sex in the woods and couples would come to watch Tom liked that and i wanted to do everything to make him happy the place got abit of bad publicity as some guys had took pictures of young children and the police realised were the pictures had been taken it seemed so sad that some guys would do such a thing in the end some time later cameras were to be banned when children were around but one guy got chucked out for hiding a video camera in a bag and a parent found out he was marched of site id did start to feel un comfotable when the owner Paul  took a fancy to me and would try to touch me up i was 17 i then refused to walk around naked i started to feel consious of my body i felt only guys who pay see me naked and get to touch me and would always wear knickers during the day Tom agreed that i could wear knickers and on saturday nights woman would get dressed up in sexy under wear Tom would by me naughty outfits to wear like pvc and leather and thigh boots i felt sexy and grown up i just hated guys walking past me in the disco room touching me up as if was ok as i was dressed up as a whore but i was 17 i thought i was very mature but i was still a child trying to make Tom happy he would get me to have sex with guys at the club on saturday and would watch not sure how i felt  i felt safe because Tom was there with me one time he had sex with a lady while i was watching i was in tears i was so jelouse but i stayed calme and tried not to look but the ladies husband would keep trying to put his hands in my knickers i allowed him i had no choice as Tom was shagging his wife after that night i hoped Tom would not have sex with any one else i could not handle it i never realy told him that in so many words was scared of his reaction i wanted to please Tom he was my world he looked after me we did not have a place at this time we hired a camper van and to make money Tom would put an advert in the sports news paper classified and we would drive were ever the work took us mainly in kent area he would drop my off at a clients house drive away and pick me up afterwards sometimes i was scared doing my job as no one would know were i was except kim the worse jobs were guys wanting me to dress up and act like a naughty school girl i was doing this fantasy outfit since being 16 i hated anything to do with school girl to me those guys who wanted the fantasy were sick in my mind but the work paid i was a popular school girl as i looked the part putting hair in bunches i looked very child like that was because i was still a child i thought i was a grown up.

4th chapter me a home recka moving into Tom and Tracy's home

I was 16 at the  time and left children s home and also had an abortion and left school i was so in love with Tom i wanted him and wanting him to dump his wife for me i was a very deluded young girl.I had my own bedroom and was having sex with Tom on a regular basis on a few occasions i had upset Tom  i was always causing arguments he once gave me a black eye but it was my fault for winding him up i was hit a few times by Tom but I always caused it i think i got a kick out of it we always had rough sex afterwords  at the studio his daughter Lisa has left as she could not handle all the responsibility of having a studioTom took over I was working as the receptionist and model a while later i was told by Tom that the phone that was advertising the studio used to be there old massage parlour number this came out as i had a lot of calls from dirty old men wanting sex and massage so i started to allow guys to come to studio to pay me to have sex with them and Tom would take the money and look after it for me i started to see quite a few guys and told some of them I  was only 16 I think they enjoyed it more they always came back this is were i learn t to get want you want from men all i had to do was use my body and i could get what ever i wanted not sure i really understood what i was really doing a few months later Tom closed the studio i was still living with him and the wife but they were due to go to court for sentencing for running a brothel and amoral earnings did not know this until day before and i would have to move back home in case they were sent down in the mean time i was shown the ropes of street walking which was to stand on  the link a well known area of peterbough were i would wait for cars to come up to me arrange a price and get in car go some were quiet  always take money up front have sex or give blow job always using condoms they guys would drop me back to the link after a few jobs me Tom and Tracy went home i hated doing it what if something happened to me no one would know were i was we had a big argument the next night as i was scared to go back out so Tom went with his wife i was jealous i caused such a stink that they could not go cause Tracy period had come on heavy and i was to blame for causing it to her i did not care as we were all at home together i was really starting to fall for Tom i was in love i hated Tracy so much i would cause arguments between them because i could one day she got me arrested for steeling money which i had not taken Tom was very angry with his wife as he thought i would tell the police what was happening i would never do that to my Tom in the end i was realest-ed as there was no  proof of me taking it when i got back Tom was not home he was worried about being arrested but when i spoke to Tracy and told her i said nothing to the police she phoned Tom and he came back i was his little lady Tracy was bad for trying to get me arrested for nothing i started becoming demanding that he should not sleep in the same bedroom as his wife but in the spare room and i would sleep down stairs as Tom told me he loved me this worked for a little then Tom and Tracy went to court they both got sent down for 6 months but you only serve 3 months i visited Tom in Bedford prison and he would tell me he loved me and would give me love bites and to wait for him to get out of prison i met a lad and moved in with him for a while i was missing Tom and was so lonely a month or so later i phoned Tom's house phone and Tracy answered the phone and put Tom on the phone i had arranged to meet up with Tom and asked for my portfolio photos i met him that night when i saw him i fell in love with him all over again we kissed and had sex in the car and we pretended to Tracy that i was being made to stay in the flat by my boyfriend and that i was scared he would hurt me Tracy fell for it we picked Tracy up from there house my boyfriend was out drinking so i we broke into the flat and took all my stuff and i moved back in with Tom and Tracy  i am sure Tracy had thought she had seen the last of me but she loved Tom and like me would do what ever he wanted this was good for about 8 weeks then Tracy started to suspect that Tom did love me when i look back she must of known all along about me and Tom and thought he was having a mid life crises then Kim said i should pretend to move back home and he would meet me later that day and we were going to be together i was so excited i moved out and waited and we were going to be together i was so excited i moved out and waited but Tom did not come for me he had changed his mind i was heart broken him and Tracy had gone on holiday and i was to be forgotten i was heart broken i stayed at mum and dads for few weeks then i got a job in Manchester as a receptionist at a brothel they allowed me to get a few jobs but after 5 days i was still feeling heart broken and missed Kim so much just before i left kim and Brenda's home me and Kim had joined an escort agency were we would get called if there was a client in our area and Kim would drive us there and wait till i finished the job that agency was called sat-alights in Brighton run by a guy called ally it was ally i called when i told him what had happened he got his driver to pick me up from Manchester station and take me to Ally's house in Brighton hove he looked after me and had told me Kim and Brenda had visited him to get work for Brenda as they were holidaying at Brighton butlins hotel but bye the time i got to brighten they had left to go home i was crying  i worked for ally for a few weeks and had my own mobile phone that's when out of the blue Kim phoned another girl had answered the phone as she had borrowed it for a visit to clients house and told me the next day when she brought phone back i was so happy Kim wanted me after all ally was not happy he thought Kim was using me but ally was using me too Kim told the girl he would ring back the next evening and he did we arranged to meet at a hotel the next day i was so excited i booked to have my hair done at the hairdressers when i saw him my face just lit up i was so happy seeing him we went back to hotel and had sex all day and evening i then went back to ally's next morning to get my clothes and that i was going to stay at hotel with Kim and he said he would still offer me work and that Kim would drive me to the jobs ally always took £30 agency fee and for an hour job i would charge £130 so a £100 a job for me and Kim me and Kim argued a lot i wanted to know were he had been when i moved out of his house and he was going to meet me and we were going to be together for ever but after we had been together about but Tom did not come for me he had changed his mind i was heart broken him and Tracy had gone on holiday and i was to be forgotten i was heart broken i stayed at mum and dads for few weeks then i got a job in Manchester as a receptionist at a brothel they allowed me to get a few jobs but after 5 days i was still feeling heart broken and missed Tom so much just before i left Tom and Tracy home me and Tom had joined an escort agency were we would get called if there was a client in our area and Kim would drive us there and wait till i finished the job that agency was called sat-alights in Brighton run by a guy called ally it was ally i called when i told him what had happened he got his driver to pick me up from Manchester station and take me to Ally's house in Brighton hove he looked after me and had told me Tom and Tracy had visited him to get work for Tracy as they were holidaying at Brighton butlins hotel but bye the time i got to brighten they had left to go home i was crying  i worked for ally for a few weeks and had my own mobile phone that's when out of the blue Tom phoned another girl had answered the phone as she had borrowed it for a visit to clients house and told me the next day when she brought phone back i was so happy Tom wanted me after all ally was not happy he thought Tom was using me but ally was using me too Tom told the girl he would ring back the next evening and he did we arranged to meet at a hotel the next day i was so excited i booked to have my hair done at the hairdressers when i saw him my face just lit up i was so happy seeing him we went back to hotel and had sex all day and evening i then went back to Ally's next morning to get my clothes and that i was going to stay at hotel with Tom and he said he would still offer me work and that Tom would drive me to the jobs ally always took £30 agency fee and for an hour job i would charge £130 so a £100 a job for me and Tom me and Tom argued a lot i wanted to know were he had been when i moved out of his house and he was going to meet me and we were going to be together for ever but after we had been together about two weeks i went to have a beauty treatment at a beauty salon Tom would wait for me at the hotel but when i left the salon and got back to our hotel Tom was not there he had left me again i was so distraught i phoned ally and his driver picked me up and i stayed at ally place but next day i payed driver to take me to peterborough i had had enough i was so un happy i did not feel like doing any thing i got home to peterborough it took about 5 hours my parents knew nothing about what i was doing my younger brother and sister were still in care as when dad was realized from prison she had a choice have dad home or us kids mum chose dad